music: tom waits, mule variations.  setting: tucked in bed. 1:13 am on a
friday night.  hair smells like smoke.  sat in a bar.  didn't drink.  the
chair was plush red velvet with carved wood on the top.  people stopped their
conversation and turned to me and said i looked like i belonged in the chair.
it was very elegant, they said.  we'd never noticed elegance suits you so, they
said.  i changed the subject.  i didn't want to be the center of attention.
i wanted to sit and watch everyone else have a good time and hope by just
existing like a fly on the wall i would have fun, too.  that is usually my
mode of operation in social settings.  i don't know how many times people
have said "why do you look so sad?" when there has been nothing bothering me.
but the more they say... when they say it over and over, maybe that convinces
me or maybe it just reminds me.  it reminds that there are many things i
want to be that i never will.  one of those things is a social creature.  i
crave the closeness of others but often i just want to be near them with the
option of being silent.  that makes me think of domini.  i miss the people who
understand that.  the people who understand why i go to raves to just sit 
among the people.  and the people who understand that training trapeze for the
love of trapeze is a valid reason.  there doesn't have to be an act or a show
or a competition with "peers".  i see people i want to know and befriend but
i don't know how to speak to them.   the worst is when i see myself attempting
to be someone i'm not to hope to catch their attention.  i wonder how much
of my external physical presentation is the only manifestation of who i
wish i was that i can muster.  by looks that person is outgoing and self
assured and, if nothing else, loud loud loud.  it is everything i'm not. hello,
me.


i just want to close my eyes and relax.  i feel very sad right now.