we're sitting on the couch in the dark and he's absent mindedly playing with
the seam on my pants.  he's watching some old british mystery show that i
said i didn't want to watch because nothing good ever happens in mysteries.
a pumpkin pie is baking in the oven, inspired by the recipe on alana's 
website.  two tofurkeys are thawing on the countertop and i'm wondering who
besides us is going to eat them.  beaker the mexican redheaded amazon is
sleeping quietly in her cage on the kitchen table.  all the animals took
turns tonight, waiting for their share of attention.  first bean.   always
first bean.  then beaker.  then usagi.  minky sleeps and morla came out to
say hi and let me know he ate all his lettuce.  dalton sleeps under steve's
desk, wondering why he's here.  

i feel a bit scattered lately, as if i'm waiting for something to happen.
feeling that something major is on the horizon.  maybe it's just the holiday
thing.  the hive mind of society buzzes strongest this time of year.  everyone
knows what everyone else is thinking about.  i feel thankful for the life i've
lived, the life i'm living, and the future that is waiting.  

feeling very challenged by gender lately.  wondering what it would be like
to be an elegant person.  a person that people weren't intimidated by, but
drawn to.  i wonder what it is like for a gentle person in a gentle body rather
than a gentle person in a strong body.  sometimes i wish i was not so strong
but rather a tiny waify elf which is how i feel most of the time.  but then
sometimes i see how people react to my strength and i try to run with it,
wondering if i'm fooling them and myself or if it's really the only honesty
i ever show.  a few weeks ago i was talking to bridget about getting dreads
again.  she said she wanted them but didn't think she was a strong enough
person.  it was absurd to me.  she exudes such confidence and knowledge of
self to me that i can't imagine her as anything but strong.  she told me i
should do it though, that i was strong enough.  i furrowed my brow in confusion
but left it at that.  and now, of course, the dreads are back.  am i stabbing
myself in the back?  or am i forcing myself to be the person i think other
people think i am.  it's a confusing situation.