rachel and darren and eric are here visiting and they are making me miss
san francisco a lot.  they are making me miss the chaos of non linear schedules
and freedom of movement.  they are making me realize my life here is lacking
in the pure nonsense that is just an integral part of living in the bay area.

on the other hand, i've been out of school for one week.  it's holidays,
you see.  and every night that i've not been training i've been dreaming
of the circus.  dreaming of high wire and emotional journeys on bungees and
static trapeze in the bellagio theatre 30 feet above the water and a perfect
one toe hang and falling out of heels but catching myself in time to make it
work and trying to explain to people that i was the chosen one because i know
how to swim.  so maybe that is trying to tell me that i can't leave.  i need
to stay in the structure of nica and follow its form in order to keep my
mind at ease.  do i really want my mind at ease? 

i thought i could not leave melbourne because i'd found the st kilda baths
and they made me so happy and i swam there every day but then i went and
got a new tattoo and have not been able to swim since and it's been ok.  my
body is itching for it though.  my sternum cracks and my back complains and
i find myself feeling stiff and awkward.  i fear falling into stiffness and
awkwardness entirely if i move back.  i have never had such a complicated life
decision presented to me.  this is the big one.  is this the saturn return?
maybe it's not time for that yet.  elly, i need your advice on this one.

i fear falling back into the same life i left a year ago.  it was not a bad
life at all.  in fact, i was quite sad about leaving it behind.  but even
if a trail is unspeakably beautiful, i would rather return on a different 
path than backtrack.  i fear i'd never return to melbourne, a city i've grown
to love.  i fear i'd be missing out on the chance of a life time.  but perhaps
it's not my life that's supposed to be taking this chance.  

last night i dreamt i had a child.  it was a girl named dylan and she was
wrapped in wax paper and sat in a yellow broth.  she was happy and we made
eachother smile.  i didn't know where she'd come from.  her hair was blond
and her eyes were blue and perhaps her teeth were blue as well.  she
could not have been my child with those features.  but i loved her despite the
confusion.  i tucked her into my jacket and rode away on my motorcycle with a
"baby on board" sign suction cupped to the back of my helmet and i tried to
explain to the substitute teacher that i wouldn't be in class today.  i woke
up in a panic, no child, and stumbled downstairs to nirvana's kitchen to be
greeted by a pile of happy geeks in beanbags.