Emotional today but all in good ways.  It felt like they could go either way
and they swung so severely in one direction that it became one of those zen
moments.  Pure being.  This is what I saw as I sat.  And it seemed so
simple and so complex.  I made bird feeders out of plastic cups, cutting them
in half and nailing them to the porch railing then filling them with peanuts.
I'd been lining the peanuts up for days and the blue jays would come and steal 
them one by one.  I thought maybe this would be more like a sit down dinner for
them.

And the baby bird.  The baby bird.  Everything maternal comes out towards the
baby bird and it makes me happy.  Everything I was once afraid to admit I
felt because I thought that wasn't who I was or wasn't who I was supposed to
be and once she joked that my desire for a dog was just a surrogate desire
for a child and I laughed and said that was impossible.  Who's laughing now?

Someday it might happen.  But for now there are dogs to rescue and baby birds
to feed and I feel content (yet somehow guilty for that contentment, feeling
like it's not allowed considering how much turmoil and havoc I've caused) and
okay with myself.  It just feels good to breathe.

Bean dove head first into a mud puddle today and she was so proud of herself
and I laughed and laughed and said "Oh Bean... oh Bean, what have you done?"